#SixtyPartsJoy (or Nullifying The Not So Good)

These past sixty days have belonged to something my friend, Toiby (IG: @toibycontinued) and I called the #SixtyPartsJoy Project. The premise is a teaching of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He says that because Adar is the Jewish month of joy and there are 30 days of Adar, when there are two Adars there are 60 days of Adar - or 60 days of joy. This number 60 is important. There is a concept in Jewish law that if something not-kosher is accidentally added to something kosher, it is still considered kosher as long as there is at least sixty times more of the kosher thing. In other words, one part non-kosher is nullified within sixty parts kosher. The Lubavitcher Rebbe says that if someone practices joy all sixty days of Adar the not good in their life will be nullified to those #SixtyPartsJoy. So, each of the past sixty days Toiby and I have tried to do at least one thing to increase joy in our lives.

… and I am sure you’re all wondering, did all the not good in our lives magically disappear?

Shockingly, in a way the answer is actually yes, and in another much less surprising way the answer is also no.

The no:

Every single not good thing that existed in my life sixty days ago still exists. There are still dishes in the sink every. single. day. I still get overwhelmed with school, still want to lose some weight, still get anxious, lonely, frustrated, or angry some days. I don’t expect that to change. A little rain does fall in everyone’s life.

Personally, the “not good” feeling I grapple with most is anxiety. I just get anxious. I have a very active imagination and my mind sometimes runs away with itself. I hear stories of all the scary, horrible things that happen to people and can’t let go of them. I’m the type to hang up the phone and realize I forgot to say I love you and imagine something terrible happening and that I just missed my last chance.

I also feel things really deeply. I am emotional and thoughtful and sometimes I feel like I might be the only one who feels thing as strongly as I do. Everyone seems to be somewhat calm and collected and sometimes I feel isolated by how intensely I feel things. When I feel sad, I sometimes feel like there is no way for me to express that feeling and be heard.

None of this has gone away.

The yes:

But #SixtyPartsJoy, never demanded of me that I needed to battle those feelings. #SixtyPartsJoy simply said “Add joy”. And let me tell you, it is a lot easier to add joy to your life than it is to start grappling with the not good. Sometimes not good things just happen and you can’t get rid of them. It would be really really hard to take a drop of milk out of your chicken soup, so the milk is going to stay. Don’t worry about taking it out. Worry about making a big enough chicken soup to begin with, and whatever milk inevitably falls in won’t be a problem. Even on the worst days, there is usually some little thing you can do to add at least a moment’s joy to that day. If you continue to do that day after day it becomes a practice and joy becomes easier and easier to find.

What I learned these last sixty days is that sometimes finding joy comes easy, but most days practicing joy, is just that: a practice.  Like learning to play the violin or drive a car, the first few days are hard and it does not necessarily come naturally. When you’re angry, lonely, sad, or frustrated joy evades you - and it’s those days when finding joy really becomes a practice. This is good news and bad news. The bad news is you’re going to have to put in the work, the good news is you do not have to be naturally good at it, you can learn to practice joy more frequently and effectively no matter where your starting point is.

The days when all joy seems lost is where Toiby comes in. The thing about doing #SixtyPartsJoy with a partner is that you are accountable. You have to share what you did that day to increase your joy - and Toiby and I don’t lie to each other. Some days (mostly the beginning days actually) we got on the phone with each other and said “Honestly, I am trying to do things to increase joy, but today is a really hard day and it’s just a mucky mess and I’m having a hell of a time trying to uncover joy.” Some days, you need a little help finding joy and a friend can provide that. And some days, just telling somebody else that you’re having a hard time and having them really hear you is joy enough.  

This has helped tremendously with those feelings of isolation I mentioned. Having an easy way to start an open, honest conversation about how you’re doing and where you are holding makes the rough feelings so much more manageable. Those feelings don’t go away, but they become secondary to the feelings of love and support. (I sound like a granola bar commercial, but you give me 60 days of practicing joy and I assure you, you’ll feel like advertising granola, too)

When you start with joy as a premise and realize how much joy you do have in your life it makes it that much easier to tackle the not good things. My stepmother told me that therapists call this “resourcing”. Before you start addressing any difficult feelings, you try to figure out what that person already has in their life to help them cope with the difficult feelings as they come up.

I consider practicing joy an extension of practicing gratitude, and by extension practicing resourcing. Practicing joy is essentially noticing what makes you happy and savoring that happiness, instead of letting that feeling rush past you unnoticed. Joy is savoring the beautiful moments in your life and drawing attention to them in a way that helps you fight the hard stuff.

This has also made a big difference in alleviating my anxiety. I feel like a life joyfully lived leaves no room for anxiety to really fester. Joy is a sort of letting go of that feeling of dread and saying I have this, I have right now, and I am being present with this moment. Joy is waking up a little earlier to slowly enjoy my coffee in the garden. Joy is wearing my favorite socks and taking a minute to dance around the apartment in them. Joy is calling a friend on the way home from school or stopping for Slurpees with my little brother. Joy is noticing the little things and really treasuring the big things.

More than anything else, joy is calling back to make sure to say “I love you” - and not because I am afraid of anything, but just because I can.